Parking ON roundabouts is obligatory. If you will be more than 30 mins then putting your blinkers on covers all known sins.

If you do NOT put your flashers on, that means you might be there for less than 30 minutes ………probably
If you do put your flashers on, that means you will be there for more than 30 minutes …………..probably!

Parking on zebra-crossings is also highly recommended especially if you can double-park at the same time. If the crossing is near a crossroads that’s good and even better if it is by traffic lights. That way you can annoy the most people in the least time.

If you overtake on the inside you have every right to abuse the guy who nearly knocked you off as he was turning right. This is particularly relevant if you are on a scooter etc and neither of you are wearing helmets. This also leads them to think that the “slightly” dangerous manoeuvre they took at the last roundabout was in fact OK.

Although to others it might seem dangerous, it is actually OK to speed up any street/road/autopista two-abreast on your motos. Talking to each other is equally totally fine especially if you are also on your mobile at the same time.

If you are drop dead-gorgeous, with a figure to die for, you are wearing a sprayed on T-shirt and a visible thong, please note that this is NOT distracting to other drivers. Men would not notice and the women passengers would scream at their husbands “keep your eyes on the road and keep your eyes off that tart. She is young enough to be your grand-daughter.”

There are however special rules for Calle Orihuela. (A four lane highway coming out of Torrevieja.) If the road is clear and traffic is moving smoothly a grua has to be summoned to take up 2 lanes and it is then obligatory to park at the Norwegian 24/7 shop (closes for siesta and whenever I need something) thus successfully snaring everything nicely. If that does not grind absolutely everything to a crawl then a police officer will come along and park his bike in the fourth lane and, hey ho, we have the normal situation there.

If you stop near a crossing and it is near a X-roads, T-, Y-junction or roundabout then you should leave your windows open to show that you are only intending to be there for a “short” time. If you happen to completely stop the cars behind you passing – just make “I’ll only be a minute, going for some fags” gestures to the guy in the car behind. If you find the tobacconist has just become a father don’t worry about over-staying the minute to wet the girl’s head ……………….. or to sort out with her the details of her 18th birthday. The guys behind have all done it too.

You must always park on those disabled accesses at street corners – after all that’s why they took away the kerb so that you wouldn’t do any damage to your tyres. Do not apply your handbrake as the person parking behind you will need to move your car as you will always have parked in the spot that they wanted. So, don’t make it too difficult for them as otherwise they will have to shunt your car forward.

BTW Double-parking at bus stops is obligatory.